when the rubber meets the road

I also wrote this several months ago when we were in the thick of it!  I hope this is encouraging to moms who are bringing their kiddo home soon or in those first hard days!

Look at that Happy Family!

And as we left the airport, 2 minutes after that picture was taken, the honeymoon phase ended. We were alone as a family of four and Bo sweetly made comments on how cute the baby was as we buckled him into his car seat.  Max woke up confused and scared in his car seat and threw up everything we'd pumped into him to keep him quiet on the plane.  We had to pull over before we even got on the interstate to change his clothes and I squeezed between the two car seats to pacify the baby on the drive home.  I was so tired I felt sick to my stomach.  I pulled out my phone and made my first text back on America soil - to my sister-in-law - that I was scared of parenting without her help.  Two parents are great but can't we just have three?!?

The first night was not awesome. We gave a screaming Max a bath and I collapsed into bed at 6:30, before even Bo did.  I woke up a few hours later to my new baby crying in the pack-n-play next to me.  And again a few hours later. Which became the pattern for the next few weeks.  My parents couldn't stay long after keeping Bo while we were in Africa and Matt started back to work immediately and was gone long hours every day of that first week.  He was even gone at night.  Not only did I suddenly have an extra child to care for but I was alone for the bedtime routine which is the worst part of parenting.  One of the worst parts, anyway. And Max, well, he wasn't the same kid he was in Ethiopia. He wasn't even in the country 24 hours and I had him at the pediatrician where they drew 8 vials of blood to check for illnesses and test his vaccines. He came home with three prescriptions (nobody knew he had an ear infection), one of them being for giardia. I had a sick little baby on my hands.  In a new land. With jet lag.  Baby + jet lag = misery.  He slept fitfully at night and hardly took naps that first week.  He cried every time I laid him down and so I just didn't.  I had no break from this stranger baby and interrupted sleep at night and we both were falling apart.  Matt and I were exhausted and fighting over anything and everything.  Because of the serious nature of his job, he was sleeping in the guest room so that he could get enough sleep to function at work. Of course I graciously did all the night wakings without ever complaining and wasn't resentful at all. Not.

(fist bump + medication)

And sweet Max had his first birthday in the midst of all this.  It was not the jubilant celebration I had imagined - with friends coming to celebrate our long-awaited son.  Instead, Matt couldn't even be there until almost bedtime, where we each ate a cupcake and then started the dreaded bedtime routine.

(home one day and at target already because babies need so much stuff)

As the prescriptions healed his body, our main concern became the sleep. Matt did night duty on the weekends and usually at least one night during the week.  I became obsessed with looking ahead to the night when I knew I could sleep through the night while Matt took care of the baby.  Max started waking up more often instead of less, and he developed a preference for his crib over the pack-n-play.  For a couple weeks we had 'musical beds' and everyone slept everywhere.  Matt in the guest room, Max in the crib, Bo in bed with me. Max in the crib, me in Bo's bed, Bo in the guest room. Most of the time the baby ended up in bed with one of us.  And each time we put him to bed, we would spend 45 minutes or more rubbing his back and leaning over him until he fell asleep.  It was so very hard.  I dreaded every bedtime.  Finally, we reached our breaking point.  He was up every two hours, sleeping with a bottle, constantly wet from the bottle dripping, unable to soothe himself ... and we were walking zombies.  A fellow adoptive mom sent me the book she had used with their son and I dove right in.  Whatever your thoughts are on sleep training, we had to do something to save our marriage and our sanity and we taught our child how to sleep alone.  It was so hard. But we saw results quickly.  One night I went in every five minutes and held him, then laid him down, over and over - for two hours.  And then after that he slept.  He slept the rest of that night and the following night he slept completely through.  He did it.

(halleluia. he sleeps)

When we were all in our own beds and well rested, life got much easier.  But it was still a huge adjustment.  I wasn't used to the needs of a one yr old and I hadn't learned to understand Max well yet.  We didn't want to leave him with a sitter due to attachment reasons so there wasn't much break.  Looking back I can see our situation more clearly.  Max was behaving as expected in his situation.  He wasn't comfortable enough to do anything on his own yet and he had no lovie or security item that put him at ease (except the bottle).  There was simply no rushing him to attach.  We just had to be patient and love him through it.  And slowly, it got better.  He spent more and more time on the floor and less time at my hip.  He learned to play with toys. He became familiar enough with the house to crawl independently to other rooms.  I am amazed at how quickly he has become comfortable enough to be left alone in his crib and fall asleep.  It is a sign that he trusts us and knows I will come back and get him when he needs me.  He is an amazing little person.

I think we did many things right and could've done some things better.  We were good at allowing others in to our hard times.  I didn't share with many people the hard times in the waiting period of our adoption - although I really struggled at times. It was just too personal.  I made up for that after he came home . . . I'm not sure why but it just seemed right to be honest.  We laugh with friends now about how brutal our first weeks were and how stormy Matt and I seemed.  Maybe we were oversharing but it felt good to let others support us.  We would not have made it without the dinners and help with Bo and diaper drop offs - it all lessened the load a bit in those rough early days.  I wish we would've allowed for Matt to stay home a few days after we came back.  We thought that after being out for over a week he needed to hit the ground running but the wiser decision would've been to hold off.  And I should've planned for even more help - as parents we needed to meet all of Max's needs but we could've arranged for others to meet our needs - yard care, house cleaning, etc.  Things we normally do on our own but in those first weeks it was too overwhelming to do anything beyond the basics.  Our decision to invest in Max in those first weeks paid off - he is thriving!

I feel compelled to share about that hard first month - even after four weeks we were lightyears ahead of where we started and at writing, two months later, things are even better around here.  I want to remember this if we ever adopt again and I'm sure that there are similar feelings when adding a newborn to the family too . . . in our case, even though I knew there would be hard times, I was still surprised by how intense those times were.  I want to encourage my future self and others that it does get better! Each day marches towards a sunnier time.  Patience, prayer, and GRACE.

Kenya/Coming Home

I wrote this post several months ago and for some reason never hit publish.  I think it was because our small group was on a media fast, which ironically gave me time to write my own blog because I wasn't on other people's blogs.  But here it is.  I'm glad I took the time to write back then, because time has made the details fuzzy. 

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We've already celebrated two months of Max being home!  I think I may be free to stop counting the weeks now and just let it be in months.  But before we get too far away from those early days, I want to take time to remember.

After most of a week in Addis, we took Max on his first plane ride.  Not home yet, but because we are crazy, we decided to take our new son to Kenya first.  It was a tough call, I really agonized about what we should do, and at the last minute we decided to go for it and asked the embassy to rush his visa so that we could get a quick trip in. And for me, it was a fabulous decision.  It was so very wonderful to be back with Matt to where it all began for us (and sidenote - why this blog even started). We were greeted at the airport by my dear friend who is in Kijabe for a term with her family.  She has been possibly the biggest champion for our adoption and she was delighted to meet Max (all the good photos on here are from her! Thanks, Allyson!).  A couple friends kindly said "Welcome Home!" when they saw us in Kijabe.  One of them had been there since I left - five years - and I felt honored that he would share that sentiment with me - and, crazy enough, it did still feel like home.  

I hugged all my little fourth grade students who are now sophomores in high school and walked our old trails and showed Courtney all of our sentimental spots. Poor Court had to listen to all our reminiscing.  Max did well with our trip, too.  He was a good sport on the short flight (even with the extra Ebola screening and the customs officer threatening to vaccinate us on the spot for yellow fever). While we visited with our friends he was still pretty easy, more like a baby than a toddler.  We started to see him recognizing us and crawling after us to find Mom and Dad.  That felt pretty good! One of my treasured moments from the trip was eating dinner with our Kenyan friends and discussing, among other things, our adoption of an African baby. I also loved seeing my old college pal and showing off our new baby! 

And then we started the dreaded long journey home!  We flew back in to Ethiopia for a few hours before boarding the 14 hour flight to Washington, DC.  Max really did well on the flight.  He was little enough to sleep in the bassinet or in our arms and we kept him full of formula - he never really got a chance to cry.  We'd heard horror stories of babies going through 10-14 outfits so I brought an entire suitcase on the plane just for him of diapers, wipes, and clothes.  Kenya has well-stocked grocery stores so I was pretty prepared and while we went through several changes of clothes it was nothing record breaking.  When we landed in DC, Max became a US citizen after going through immigration.  (USA!) We were picked up at the airport by Matt's brother and our sister-in-law, and then my sister surprised me by driving down from her college.  So special!  Our family made Max feel so treasured. Max also had his first rides in a car seat . . . he didn't love that part of American life. 

By the time we got on our last flight I'm not even sure how long we'd been traveling but it had to have been 48 hours at least.  I was dead tired and Max was done.  Thankfully it was a short trip (comparatively). We were so ready to get home.  Max was awake and unhappy the entire flight and fell asleep as we landed.  We had a little crowd of family and friends who met us as the airport.  I was SO ready to see Bo, who was jumping up and down in his big brother shirt.  Everything in me just wanted to get us home so that we could finally be a family!  

Daily Rhythms

For Max's one-month-home I had planned to have taken the time to reflect on his homecoming and on our month together.  But that day came and went and now it's been six weeks without much time to write.  Our days are full and good, though.

When Kate, a friend from Taylor days, asked me to write out the rhythms of a typical day for us, I jumped at the chance.  The perfect assignment to reflect and remember a day in this new season, which is sometimes sweet and sometimes so challenging.

Click around on Kate's blog while you are over there - her family lives in a sweet old schoolhouse and she has two little girls that are just a few months older than my guys.  I enjoy her perspectives on motherhood and have gleaned wisdom from her as she walks a couple steps ahead of me.  She's also opened a sweet new etsy shop!  Max has been telling me how much he wants a monogrammed blankey. :)

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Today I struggle awake to the sounds of my husband getting ready for his day.  I’m thankful that he’s up first and I can stay snuggled in darkness for ten more minutes.  As he gets ready to walk out the door, we discuss a decision that is looming. 5:55 AM isn’t an ideal time for these conversations but Matt is a morning person so he humors me, and in this stage of life we have to grab the moments when we can.  He’s out the door, I shower and then I unload the dishwasher as my coffee brews.

Head over to SweetMamaK for the rest! 

Back to Ethiopia

Well, we have two kids at home now.  Max has been home for just over three weeks.  

It has not been easy.

A new little person, uprooted and placed in a totally new environment - everything looks and sounds different, smells and tastes different, the weather, our habits, and throw in jet lag, a couple illnesses and three prescriptions . . . oh, and teething.  And his rowdy brother. And I work from home. 

BUT . . . we are doing so well.  Mostly because we've been sleeping through the night for about a week!  Thank you, Max, you mighty little guy!  And we are finding our footing and getting into a routine and have been blessed by a sweet community here who have cheered for us and rallied around us and not been put off by all of our emotions.  Thank you to my people. 

And wow, looking at these pictures from a month ago when we took custody really puts it into perspective.  We have come so very far in a short amount of time.  I think anyone who is around us now would see a difference in him from these early pictures but as his mom, wow.  I get caught up in the day to day and this gives me look at the big picture.

We were back in Ethiopia exactly four weeks from our first trip and once again found ourselves visiting our son at the foster home on a Sunday morning.  It wasn't exactly a joyful reunion - he didn't cry, but he was wary. So many of our pictures have him looking away from us.  I'm so thankful he's grown to trust us.  As we walked from the foster home to our hotel to start our life together, I was so sad for him.  He was leaving the his home.  It is hard to reconcile our joy at gaining a son with his great losses.  

He warmed up to us at the hotel room.  Maybe his little mind could remember that we had visited him a month ago?  Our first morning together he stood between us on the bed, pressing his face close to mine and then Matt's, mine and then Matt's, over and over, sweet kisses from this little love. 

The next day we were back at the foster home for our coffee ceremony.  These women, these nannies, I hope they know how indebted we are to them.  How grateful we are. They have the hardest job.  And yet they do their work with great love.  We had sat in on a coffee ceremony on our last visit for families who were taking their children home and our experience was the same - the nannies came in, greeting all the children by name and hugging them all, passing around the babies, taking their time saying goodbye.  They were thrilled for us to start our new families, but with it again - joy and grief.  They truly love these children they serve every day. And their love makes all the difference in the lives and bodies of our babies.   

We had the privilege of sharing this trip with my sister-in-law, Courtney.  She coined the phrase "adoption doula" to describe her role and it was a perfect description.  As a mom of three little boys she is a bit of a boy-raising expert.  In her we had another caregiver, tie-breaker, photographer, friend, and maybe most importantly, an argument-diffuser.  Her presence stopped about 8,000 fights from erupting between Matt and me because, see above - adding a new baby is a stressful little endeavor and I might say it would try the strongest marriage.  Her adoption doula services are available to others at the right price.  I'll write a great recommendation. ;) 

On our last full day in Ethiopia we traveled out to Max's home town.  It was a tough trip.  Six hours there and longer back, three across in the back of an SUV with no air conditioning.  There are no car seats in Ethiopia, which maybe worked in our favor on this trip because Max climbed all over us the entire time and stayed fairly happy (besides the diapers we had to keep pulling over to change).  The trip was overwhelmingly worth it.  Out of respect for his story, I'm keeping details off the internet, but it was such a gift to experience this part of his life and to see the beautiful people of his home.  Ethiopia's people are so beautiful.  Their colors, their hearts, their joy.  Their kindness.  Not one of the women laughed at me and the $200 contraption I had to keep my baby strapped on where they deftly had their babies secured with a piece of fabric - instead they marveled at his eyes and skin and said he was 'beautiful like his parents.'  What a gift they gave us with their blessing and their joy.

At the time it was the trip that would never end . . . but now I am so profoundly grateful for the opportunity to walk that dirt road of my son's first home.  Thank you, Ethiopia, for sharing one of your own with us.

The Day We Met Our Boy

Meeting Day

The day we met our son started with a spectacular sunrise over Egypt, the sun arcing blue and orange over the curve of the earth as we raced through the sky towards Addis Ababa. When our 12 hour flight landed in Ethiopia's capital, I peered through our small window to see hills of green, city buildings in the distance, and men and women harvesting grasses along the runway with machetes, bundling them neatly onto their backs. We found our driver and he confirmed our identity by asking, "Firomsa's parents?" We grinned and nodded ecstatically, the first time we'd heard an Ethiopian say our son's name, which tripped awkwardly off our American tongues.

Our flight had landed late so when we arrived at the guest house, we had only a minute to drop off our bags and give hurried introductions to the other families staying there. Time was ticking on our visiting hours, 10-12 and 3-5. We wanted to be there every second we could. As I was about to leave, the guest house manager stopped me and explained there was a problem. My tired mind raced and tried to decipher the broken English and quell the rising panic.  It sounded like we might not be able to see him today. Mr. Bere struggled to make his point clear. "You know chicken box?" "Chicken in a box?", I repeated blankly, thinking it was way too early for KFC.  Thankfully another mom came to my rescue.  "Chicken POX!", she translated. A minute later we had determined that one of the older children had chicken pox and they were worried the visiting room needed a day to ventilate.  Solution- we could bring our baby back to the guest house, all day long. As far as I know this has never happened for a court visit. We had absolutely nothing for him! But we were ecstatic.

After a short, but harrowing, drive we pulled up to the pink gates of the foster home.  The nannies welcomed us and chattered and someone called for Firomsa while I struggled to hand off my camera. And then there he was, a little bundle, looking just like his pictures, but unsure of me. 

  

I think I was nervous to meet him, I didn't know what he'd think of me, but it's hard to remember the feeling now because now... He's our son! We tried not to overwhelm him and they gave us a bottle and then hurried us back to the car. Five Americans carried their two new Ethiopian babies on their laps, African style.  And then there we were, suddenly with a new baby, all day long. It was sweet. 

That first day we were full of quiet wonder. What does he like? What does he do? We had lots of questions for our almost-11-month-old.  He sat quietly at first and then fell asleep after his bottle. Along with another family we took our new babies to a hotel nearby for lunch, giddy with the freedom of parenting our kids for the first time and exposing them to new things.  We fed him from a spoon for the first time, saw him stand, smile, and grab for our food. Later as we struggled to push through the jet lag, he surprised us by crawling to the foot of the bed and sitting attentively while we FaceTimed with Bo. Our last activity of the day was a family nap, mom and dad overcome with jet lag and Firo snuggled between us for his afternoon nap. We returned him to his nannies at the foster home and thanked God for a perfect first day together. 

After that, we fell into a routine of two visits a day, two hours each visit. Each time we learned something new about our son as he grew more comfortable with us. He is small but mighty! He crawled, pulled step standing, cruised along furniture, clapped his little hands, and chanted DaDa after Matt showed him how. He loves balls and other babies and was most animated when one of his baby friends was out to play. He loved the nannies too, always pausing to acknowledge them with a smile. 

It was a honeymoon week. He was perfect. We never saw him cry and never changed a dirty diaper either. I know those days are coming! We are excited for them, but we treasure that first week together, getting to know our boy. 

Best News Ever!

There have been two life-changing phone calls during this long process.  The phone calls are kind of like seeing a positive on a pregnancy test . . . and kind of not.  For one, this would've been a heck of a long pregnancy.  But of our two phone calls, the first was our referral. March 3, 2014, we were all at home for a snow day and it was a party!  

And then we did a lot of hurry up and wait. And wishing and hoping and praying.  As our waiting for a court date drew closer to the summer court closure for rainy season, it was hard to hope that we would get through before the courts closed, but even harder to imagine we wouldn't.  Then we got another call.  This time Matt was at work and Bo wandered off to play after I tried to explain that "This lady knows information about your brother" and then picked up the phone to hear, "How'd you like to go to Ethiopia?"

Yes, yes, I'd like to go. Next week? Sure. No problem. I'd go right now if you asked me to.

We got the call on Wednesday and we're getting on a plane this Thursday. Just a little hectic around here as we move work obligations around, get ready for my mom to come stay with Bo, and pack for Africa.  Matt's brother is getting married in Washington, DC on August 9th which is so exciting . . . and it just so happens that the most direct route from the US to Addis is through DC.  Which is convenient! We are excited to do it all.

The big day for us is August 5th, our court date.  On that day we will stand before a judge and legally accept responsibility of our son!  We can not WAIT for that day.  And beyond that, we can't wait to bring him home to us . . . but we'll have to wait another 4-6 weeks for that.  It will be so hard to come back with out him, but that is just how the game is played right now.  

We are coming for you little bud!  Can't wait!

so close!

We are in a season of suspense.  I feel as if I am just killing time until something happens, but life is still busy and events stack up that I can't seem to fully focus on.  Now, more than ever, there is an underlying current to every decision that we make and every case I pencil onto the calendar.  Sure, he's free then, but I hope I have to call and cancel this one.  Yes, we'll be here, but if we are I'm going to be really sad about it. We are so close.  SO CLOSE to having our son home.  And we are racing against the clock.  

We started the our adoption in January 2013 with an application to our agency.  After six months of paperwork, our dossier was sent to Ethiopia and we joined the wait list in August at fourth in line for a boy under two years of age, which is a great place to be!  With a larger agency you could start out at number 103.  By October, we were second in line.  And then... the 'drought.'  I had prayed for a referral - a match - by Christmas but that did not happen.  

There were some dark days as we heard rumors of a possible shutdown in Ethiopia.  I wondered if this would ever happen to our family.  We started to discuss other options.  The weight of that seasons was so heavy as I questioned everything I thought I knew.

Then, by God's grace, everything changed.  We had the first and only snow of the season and all three of us were home that Monday in March when my phone lit up.  The name of my program director flashed on the screen and Matt and I ran into another room to answer it away from Bo, who was watching a movie.  I have some exciting news for you . . . little boy . . . five months old . . . And I  cried and couldn't respond so Matt had to get on the phone and she told him the news.  Within the hour we had accepted the referral and suddenly this little big-eyed boy in Ethiopia was linked to me.

We were over the moon about the news of our referral but were asked to keep it off the internet for some time.  Even now I will not post any pictures until he is officially a Yezerski but we are so fortunate to receive a weekly update from his foster home that includes photos.  We've watched him grow through these weekly emails, searched the pictures for clues to his well-being. I fret about his weight and multiply the kilograms to convert them to pounds and mentally plot them on a growth chart. He's happy, smiling, holding toys.  He is ours.  We miss him.

Since March we've been following protocol and we have now achieved preliminary acceptance from the US government.  Our paperwork is speeding across the US right now, waiting to be authenticated and sent on to Addis Ababa.  We are waiting on two crucial last steps: the court dates.  The first date scheduled is the birth parent or finder court date, and then ours, the adoptive parent court date.  I am beyond anxious to hear when that might be.

And we covet your prayers!  We are begging for a court date soon, before August 15.  The Ethiopian court will close for two months during rainy season and we think that will be mid-August through mid-October.  If we don't get our court date before then, our son will turn one in Ethiopia without us.  To come this close but not get through . . . it's just too hard to imagine.  

Our specific prayer is that 1) the first court date would be scheduled soon and pass without incident and 2) that our adoptive parent court date would be scheduled before the cutoff on August 15.

Thank you all for walking through this with us!